


A Good Fucking Day

by AceQueenKing



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Absolutely Degenerate Amounts of Cursing, Birthday Presents, F/M, Fluff, Mild Sexual Content, Renegades in Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-04 21:26:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11563656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceQueenKing/pseuds/AceQueenKing
Summary: “What’s this?” Shepard asked, staring at the brightly wrapped box on her table before her. Zaeed's package was clad in bright red wrapping paper that had snowflakes on it. She suspected he’d bought it at one of the odd shops on Omega during their last stop, the sort that bought old stock, like slightly-outdated holiday cards. This one seemed to be struggling, like most shops on Omega that didn’t sell liquor; Christmas, she was dimly aware, was several months ago. She’d missed it, of course, but had the rather unbeatable (and unbelievable) excuse of being dead at the time.“Isn’t it obvious?” Zaeed folded his arms and scoffed at her. “It’s a god-damn birthday present. Your birthday’s April 11th, ain’t it?”





	A Good Fucking Day

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DragonWyrd316](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonWyrd316/gifts).



“What’s this?” Shepard asked, staring at the brightly wrapped box on her table before her. Zaeed had put it down without so much as a curse word, and looked strangely proud to be free of his burden. She looked at it; the package was oddly shaped, long and strangely thin, with bright red wrapping paper that had snowflakes on it. She suspected he’d bought it at one of the odd shops on Omega during their last stop, the sort that bought old stock, like slightly-outdated holiday cards. This one seemed to be struggling, like most shops on Omega that didn’t sell liquor; Christmas, she was dimly aware, was several months ago. She’d missed it, of course, but had the rather unbeatable (and unbelievable) excuse of being dead at the time.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Zaeed folded his arms and scoffed at her. “It’s a god-damn birthday present. Your birthday’s April 11th, ain’t it?”

“It is,” she said, slightly flummoxed that Zaeed had not only somehow remembered her birthday, but that she had forgotten it. The day had passed without remark from anyone else.

“Then you get a god-damn present.” He looked at her in a fashion that, on anyone else, she would have called adoring, then pushed it closer to her. “Open it up already. The suspense is fucking killing me.”

She smiled and shook her head, then started on unwrapping it. The red paper ripped easily underneath her fingers. Zaeed leaned inward, pulling it away as she tore it, keeping the room as immaculately as she preferred it to be. She pulled it off, triumphant, only to reveal a cardboard box underneath. It was plain, with no clue as to what lay inside.

She cocked an eyebrow; Zaeed nodded, then tilted his head toward the box, encouraging her. She shrugged and resumed unwrapping, using her omni-blade to slice through the carefully taped up box.

“Gentle now,” he said, and she carefully pulled off the top of the present. Three more presents lay within, smaller boxes. Each was far-more ornately wrapped. She gasped quietly at the careful wrapping job - each had been wrapped in a different color. The one closest to her was red with soft golden curls tied around it, a tag with #1 written on it. The second, black, with silver string and a glittering tag with #2 on it. The third, green, with navy-colored stripes, and a tag labeled #3 in brightest gold.

“Zaeed, what is this?”

“A god damn surprise.” He puffed his chest out. “It took me a damn long time to figure you out, Shepard. You’re not the easiest fucking broad to buy for.”

He reached out and grabbed the present with #1 on it, carefully placing the red box in her hands. She frowned; she had expected a present from Zaeed would be a gun mod, perhaps a new pistol if he was feeling generous. This was neither of those things; it was far too light.

“You gotta open 'em in order,” he said, then winked. He was grinning at her, a cat-who-got-the-cream smirk. She shook her head, unable to come up with a comeback, and gently tore the paper, trying to preserve it as much as possible. It was heavy paper, good-stuff - Zaeed had gone all out on this one. She took it off and Zaeed placed it back into the larger box.

“This is too much bother,” she said, staring at the fancy box she’d unwrapped. It was bright pink, with gold lettering proudly bearing its name: _La chambre de l'éternité,_ one of the fancier chocolatiers on the Citadel. She wondered where he’d found the box.

“Just a little thing, don’t get too excited,” Zaeed said, though his tone suggested there was more to it than that.

She cast him a dubious look then opened it.

It was…chocolate? She supposed she shouldn’t be surprised by that, but she was. Somehow, Zaeed wasn’t the sort of man she imagined in a fancy chocolatier; she tried to imagine him asking for the - whatever these were? - but failed.

“Don’t look so god-damned surprised,” he said, and she looked up, startled.

“It’s just - “ She tried to think of how exactly to word it. “I’m just surprised, that’s all.”

“What can’t get my lady somethin’ nice?” He scoffed. “You should’a seen that store, Shep. Pink from wall to wall. Felt like I was trapped in some Hanar’s stomach. Again.”

“Again?” She looked over at him and he smiled.

“No stories.” He reached out and pulled out a chocolate lump. “Just eat.”

She opened her mouth and he pressed a chocolate inside, gently. His fingers were surprisingly gentle, and she flicked her tongue against the edges of his fingers as he put the chocolate on her tongue.

“Naughty girl," he said, snorting. She closed her eyes and tasted the candy; soft, sweet chocolate wrapped around a soft, bitter asari berry of some kind. There was a jolt of something against her tongue, and she tried to concentrate on it, but it vanished too quickly. She reached for another from the box and he smirked.

“Wasn’t sure you’d be the type to like chocolate,” he said. “But then I figured, who doesn’t love chocolate? Figured it was worth a try. Good chocolates for my best girl.”

“Please tell me you aren’t trying to woo me like an asari on her first merc run,” she said, scoffing. The flavor of the berry burst on her tongue, and this time she managed to grab the spark before it disappeared, identify it. “Wait, these have eezo in them?”

Zaeed nodded. “Told’em I had the best woman in the galaxy with a hell of a throwin’ arm who had to deal with a lot of bullshit. Asked what could put a bit of pep in her fucking step, and here we are.”

“Thank you,” she said; she put the box down on the table and Zaeed, moving in perfect sync with her, handed her the next box. This one jingled as she picked it up and she smirked.

“Please tell me this isn’t jewelry, Zaeed,” she said, peeling back the paper.

“Course it’s not fuckin’ jewelry.” He threw up his hands. “I’m a practical man, Shepard.”

“Are you now?” She raised an eyebrow. “Mr. I-Lit-Literally-An-Entire-Oil-Rig-On-Fire-Just-To-Kill-Vito.”

“Got the job done, didn’t it?” He shrugged. “You’re a good woman, Shepard. I’m planning on keeping you  alive as long as I bloody can.” They both looked down then, the unhappy elephant of the upcoming suicide mission barreling through the room.

To distract them both, she opened the box. The elegant paper slipped through her fingers, and she was careful not to rip it too much, even if she’d not likely have any opportunity to use the paper again. It reminded her of a loving gift, and that itself was precious, even if she would rather die than admit it to Zaeed.

The box underneath gave no hint of its contents; it was heavy, metal; like an ammo-box, right down to the clasp in the center of it. She looked at him out of the corner of her eye, watching her with his one good eye. She slipped it open and grinned. It was an ammo box. A bright and beautiful ammo box, full of ammo clips for her sniper rifle. _Fire_ ammo, at that.

“Like I said,” he said quietly. “I plan on keeping you on alive as long as possible.”

“Fucking softly” she said, because saying anything else would have been dangerously close to feelings talk and neither of them had ever enjoyed such a thing. She put the ammo down, then leaned over and kissed his cheek; he grabbed her face and guided her toward his lips. He kissed her, hard, and she wrapped her arms around him. She flicked her tongue against his lower lip and he groaned, opening his mouth and gripping her tighter.

When she came up for air, she pushed him back and straddled him. She could feel him already getting hard and ground her pelvis against him. He uttered a quick _fuck_  under his breath and she laughed, because even if he was an old fuck he was as horny as someone half his age.

“I think it might be time for the third present,” he said. There was a glint to his eyes that told her that the item was something sexy, and the glint in his eye also told him that he was really, really into whatever it was. She leaned back, grabing it, and tore at it, still taking pains to keep the paper in the same piece as much as possible.

“C’mon, don’t take for-fuckin’-ever,” he whispered, and with that, she tore at the paper, throwing it off to the floor to reveal a little, tiny black box. She opened it, to find - black tissue paper.

“Someone has a theme,” She noted, to which Zaeed groaned and pulled off the paper, leaving her with her gift: a rather small bikini. It was lacy, delicate lace, with a leather strap underneath.

“Huh, wouldn’t have thought you’d be into leather whips…” She said, then pulled it out and realized that it was not a whip at all. Instead, it was a plain, leather belt. “I stand corrected.”

“Look closer,” he said, clearly proud. She looked at the notches on it. They were the perfect size for…She looked up at him.

“You got me lingerie with a god damned ammo belt?” She gawked. “That is not practical.”

“A man has to have a few fantasies, Shepard,” he smirked. “And your ass is god-damned fantastic.”

She raised an eyebrow. “I suppose you want me to model for you?”

“Yer god-damned right.” He said, leaning forward. “And then, I’ll make you sing God Damned Happy Birthday.”

“Looking forward,” she said, laughing, and disappeared into the bathroom with her set in hand. She grabbed a pistol off the table, too - she could pose with it, and, knowing Zaeed, that would really turn him on.

Even if it was her birthday, she supposed she could share in the presents.

She came out a few seconds later, raising an eyebrow.

Zaeed, leaning back on the coach, groaned. "Shepard, I think if I were a couple of years older, you'd fuckin' kill me in that get up."

"Good thing you're not ready for the retirement home yet," she purred, and pounced.

Zaeed laughed, letting her take charge as she started to strip him. "Happy God Damned Birthday, Shepard," he said, and pulled her upwards, into a kiss.

She grinned as they seperated. "Been a pretty god damn good one so far," she purred. "But I can think of how we can make it better." 

She stood up and held out her hand. 

"Lead the way," he said. "I'll follow you anywhere, Shepard."

She could have asked about the millions of unknown variables to their future - Cerberus, the Suns, the Alliance , the Reapers - but instead, she grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the bed.

Today was her fucking birthday, and she wasn't going to ruin a good fucking day. 


End file.
